Mary Su and the Totally Profound Plot
by StellaBlue29
Summary: Mary Su, Ravenclaw Prefect, decides that she must outsmart the Weasley twins after an embarrassing failure. Also, there are Velociraptors. [Written for PepperFinn's Worst Story EVER Challenge on HPFF]


**A/N: This was written for the Worst Story Ever Challenge over on HPFF, so read at your own risk :P**

 **I finally wrote a fic including Fred and George for my dear friend 1917farmgirl, so Farmgirl, those scenes are for you. I hope I didn't ruin your favorite characters. Everyone else, you should visit her page right now and read all her stories and be impressed with how amazingly she writes the twins, and leave her lots of loving reviews. And without further ado, here we begin…**

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It was a dark and stormy night, and the chilly wind howled and whistled through the grimy corridors of Azkaban, like the breath of giants into a large stone flute that had prisoners in it. Prisoners sat huddled alone in the corners of their cells, watching the sliver of crescent moon inch across the inky sky through the tiny barred windows. The occasional mouse scampered around on the floor, searching for any dropped crumbs of the scant prison fare.

This story is not about them. In fact, the above scene actually has nothing to do with the story but I hope you enjoyed the descriptions.

The next morning, at Hogwarts, Mary Su walked into the Charms classroom with her head held high, her shoulders back, and a brilliantly shiny Ravenclaw Perfect badge on her robes. No, that's not a typo - the badge was just being completely honest and telling the truth, which was that Mary was perfection personified. Coincidentally, she _was_ also a Prefect.

Mary was a sixth-year, who was very talented in all of her classes but especially in Potions. She had achieved Oustandings on her thirteen O.W.L.s, and was the star player of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team. She was about medium height, from Manchester, liked to wear red and black, loved the music of the Weird Sisters, and wore a size 6 shoe, UK size, which is about a 39 European size or a 7.5 American. She had been voted by her classmates as "Most Likely to Succeed," as well as won Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award sixteen years in a row, which was every year she had been alive.

As she found her seat, she first smiled at Professor Flitwick, and then at the other students in the classroom, her fellow sixth-years in NEWT-level Charms. After she was seated and her parchment and quill were all organised on the desk in front of her, she lifted a delicate hand and flicked her sleek, shiny black hair over her shoulder. Not a strand was out of place, because she used a really effective hair tonic. (Take note, that was foreshadowing! The hair tonic will come back.)

Her best friend, Georgia Chambers, eyed Mary's hair with envy – it took Georgia at least an hour to get her hair to look that good. Sadly, in addition to her unruly hair, Georgia had personality flaws too, much like a real person. She was unfocused, had a habit of destroying quills by chewing the end of them while under stress, and she also tended to tell rather than show in her descriptive writing. But Mary liked her anyway, because Mary liked everyone. She was just the friendliest person there ever was! And everyone liked her too.

"Miss Su and Miss Chambers, your attention please," Professor Flitwick squeaked.

Mary had already been paying attention, of course, but Georgia hadn't; she diverted her eyes from Mary's beautiful hair and up to the front of the classroom.

"Today we will be practicing the Aguamenti Charm," said Professor Flitwick. "Can anyone tell me what this charm is used for?" He saw Mary's hand in the air. "Yes, Miss Su?"

"It is used for making water disappear."

Professor Flitwick raised his thick eyebrows. "Close, Miss Su, but incorrect. Anyone else? Mister Weasley?"

Mary gasped. She was wrong? The world as she knew it stopped.

And with the earth no longer spinning, the sudden lack of centrifugal force on the earth caused huge tidal waves, leading to a redistribution of the ocean waters in the poles, and many of the animals in the ocean went extinct, or something else equally catastrophic.

There had to be something she could do to mitigate this grievous error – of answering a question _wrong_. She was a Ravenclaw, a Prefect, a Perfect, and the brightest student of her year; she simply couldn't allow this to happen - the shame! And to top it off, who should then answer the question correctly but the Weasley twins, who didn't even have their hands raised. (Both of them had answered in unison, since Flitwick had not specified which Weasley he was referring to.)

Mary squared her shoulders and worked hard for that hour, dutifully took notes and mastered the Aguamenti charm on her first try. Everyone else was awed by Mary Su's impressive skill. At the end of class, Fred Weasley offered her a custard cream. Mary did not think this was odd; she was quite accustomed to people being nice to her, because she was so kind to others. She smiled and accepted the éclair, and bit into it. It was delicious.

Then she turned into a canary. For it was no ordinary custard cream she had eaten: it was in fact a Canary Cream, a new invention of the twins', and for about a minute she panicked, waving her brightly feathered wings back and forth while trying to figure out what was wrong with her. The yellow plumage finally molted away, and she was back to her regular self, albeit slightly confused, and her hair a bit messier than before.

The situation was not improved when Peeves the poltergeist floated in, drawn to the scene by the laughter and the feathers and general chaos that had resulted from Mary's transformation. Peeves thought to immortalise the moment with a song called 'Mary, Mary, Quite a Canary', and while it was all very funny, it was mildly embarrassing for poor Mary. But Mary appeared unruffled; it took much more than that to set her off, so with a slightly red face, she laughed along with the others.

"Canary Creams!" announced George Weasley to the passing crowd. "Entertaining as well as delicious!"

Mary found herself in the odd position of being equal parts annoyed by and jealous of Fred and George's wittiness and inventiveness. After all, she had never invented anything or made a wildly hilarious joke. So in the evening, she sought some advice from Georgia, who was the most supportive sidekick Mary could ever ask for; Georgia was the marmalade to Mary's toast, the Robin to Mary's Batman, the Chewbacca to Mary's Han Solo. Together, Mary and Georgia schemed, sketched, plotted, planned, deliberated, ate a snack, saved Gotham City, piloted the Millennium Falcon, and brainstormed in order to come up with a way to improve their own cleverness and outwit Fred and George at their own game.

If you're still wondering about the hair tonic I foreshadowed, don't worry. It will show up again.

At dinner that evening, a number of new arrivals crowded the Great Hall: about a dozen students each from the foreign magic schools Beauxbatons and Durmstrang, and a large mysterious goblet that sat on a plinth, shrouded in mystery. It was enough for the two girls to temporarily pause in planning against the Weasley twins, and then finally Dumbledore stood up calmly and addressed the assembled students calmly, first calmly welcoming the exchange students and then calmly explaining the goblet as the way to enter the upcoming Triwizard Tournament.

"I TRUST YOU WILL MAKE OUR NEW STUDENTS FEEL WELCOME," Dumbledore said calmly. "AND DON'T FORGET TO PUT YOUR NAMES IN THE GOBLETOFFIYAAAH IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN COMPETING AND OVER THE AGE OF SEVENTEEN."

Neither Mary nor Georgia was seventeen, so they shortly returned to their brainstorming session, which culminated in the idea of using Mary's Time-Turner, which she had been given in order to make time for the many classes she was taking (all of the available classes at Hogwarts). They would go back in time to acquire the lost Diadem of Ravenclaw before it was ever lost, and then use its power to come up with better jokes than Fred and George.

"But we don't know exactly when it was lost," Georgia realised suddenly, slumping against the table. "It could be anytime within about a five-hundred-year period."

"So we'll go back and ask people about it until we meet someone who's actually seen it. Then we'll know we're in the right time." Mary grinned optimistically at Georgia over the Time-Turner between them on the table.

"There are a lot of flaws in that plan, you blood traitors," said Draco Malfoy. Who the hell knows why he was even in this story. So he left and got turned into a ferret by Professor Moody.

"Of course there are flaws," Mary conceded, as if there hadn't been an interruption. "But do you have a better idea, Georgia?"

"We could just buy a book of jokes instead?"

Mary considered it. "But none of those will be _good_ enough - Fred and George are better than just a common joke book. We need something really witty."

"We already are; we're Ravenclaws. All we have to do is exist and it's witty."

"You're entirely missing the point," said Mary. "Are you ready to travel back in time a thousand years?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," Georgia sighed. "But we shouldn't do this here in the Great Hall - people will notice. Right now that odd Luna Lovegood is watching."

What they didn't know was that Luna was watching the Wrackspurts in the corner instead! In that corner of the Great Hall, in fact, Hermione Granger was walking briskly, with flowing dyed hair and wearing a leather miniskirt because she was going through an emo/bad girl phase. She yelled at Draco Malfoy about how much she hated him and then kissed him, because of his irresistible stormy grey eyes that were the windows to his tortured soul.

"DON'T FORGET ABOUT THEGOBLETOFIYAAHH," Dumbledore reminded everyone calmly.

Once Mary and Georgia exited the Hall and continued on up to the relatively deserted corridor outside the Ravenclaw common room, however, they found none other than Fred and George Weasley loitering in the tower, chatting with a portrait of a woman on a farm. "What are you doing here?" asked Georgia, who was curious what they were doing there.

"Well, we go to school here, you see," Fred answered casually.

Georgia frowned. "No, I mean outside the Ravenclaw tower specifically. You're not a Ravenclaw."

"Ah, is that where we are?" asked George. "Splendid."

"Let's just go," Mary whispered. So she put the chain of the Time-Turner around hers and Georgia's wrists, and then began to turn the little hourglass. But she failed to notice the two people who joined them. "Did we happen to overhear something about an adventure?" asked Fred, slinging his arm around Mary's shoulders.

"We absolutely aced our History of Magic OWL's," said George, "so you probably want us coming along if you're doing anything adventurous in history."

"Let go, we've got - watch out!" Mary tried to warn them, but she was too late! Disaster ensued!

Scene 5.

When finally time stopped whizzing by them and halted in one place again, Mary, Georgia, Fred, and George were left standing in a hot, humid jungle. Mary frowned at the Time-Turner in puzzlement, because this climate did not match up to what she expected of a thousand years ago. There weren't supposed to be jungles in Scotland!

"Er…" said Georgia, tapping Mary's arm hurriedly; Mary looked up to see, in the distance, a towering upright reptile with short arms, a large head, and lethal-looking sharp teeth and claws each about the length of a hand. It was Voldemort!

Then Voldemort turned into a dinosaur! He had actually been a dinosaur the whole time but it was a mirage kind of like when you're out in the desert and see a sparkling oasis of water but it turns out to be more sand, and all you really saw was the heat rising up off the sand.

"Is that…" Fred began, and George answered, "Yeah."

For apparently, rather than 1,000 years, they had travelled back in time 74 million years to the Cretaceous period of Earth's history, despite that it's mathematically impossible, because it would take approximately 648,240,000,000 or 6.5 billion turns of the time-turner to get there. How did they do something mathematically impossible? Magic! Obviously.

They all stared for a while at the _T. rex_ , until Georgia thought of something important. "OMG, I have to tweet about this," she said, taking out her Iphone, which she had even though they hadn't been invented by this point in her life.

"Should we use the Time-Turner again to get out of here?" asked Mary, who was practical and focussed. "I don't know if I trust it to get us back to the right time - it must have malfunctioned to get us here in the first place."

It hadn't. The author just really likes dinosaurs.

"Well, it's either that or age a few million years to get back," said Fred.

"I like that idea better," said George. "Then we'll definitely be old enough to compete in the Triwizard Tournament."

"Can you imagine what impressive beards we'd have after that long?" asked Fred.

"I don't think we'd last even five minutes here, much less millions of years," said Mary, ignoring Fred. "But we're stuck, at least until I can figure out how to make this Time-Turner functional again."

There was a short silence while Mary inspected the little hourglass, some leaves shifted in the wind, and some dinosaurs in the distance made various roaring and cawing sounds, until Fred broke the tension by asking, "While we wait, anyone got any good jokes?"

George grinned. "Funny you should ask, Fred, because I did just buy this excellent book full of witty jokes." He reached into a pocket and pulled out a thin bound book, while Georgia glared at Mary. George flipped to a random page in the book and cleared his throat. "Ahem… Why is one side of the V longer when birds are flying?"

Mary looked up from the Time-Turner; this was her chance to show off her Ravenclaw cleverness and beat the twins at their game. It was nothing more than answering the common room riddle! She could do this, easily. "Because symmetry is inconsequential and provides no aerodynamic advantage."

George laughed. "No, it's because there are more birds on that side."

A _Parasaurolophus_ laughed in the distance. _Voldemortyrannosaurus rex_ continued crashing through the vegetation loudly because he hadn't heard the joke.

"That's not even a real joke!" exclaimed Georgia. "It's just a dumb question."

"I like my answer better," said Mary.

"Any progress on figuring out what's wrong with your Time-Turner?" Georgia asked her.

"Not yet," said Mary.

"Can I help?" Georgia asked in true sidekick fashion, like the way Chewbacca might offer to help Han Solo (but Georgia asked in English).

"Sure," said Mary. She reached out her hand and deposited into Georgia's palm a variety of tiny pieces of metal.

"You disassembled it?" Georgia hissed.

"It's how I solve any problem - in particular, it's the best way to solve Rubik's cubes - just take it apart and put it back together how it goes."

So together they began to reconstruct their Time-Turner. If I really went into detail describing it, it would go something like this: Georgia affixed the two tiny silver concentric rings to one another with a sticking charm. Then Mary set the hourglass inside and tested out the ease of spinning, but decided the rings needed to be slightly looser. They repeated the process.

But that would be boring, so instead we shall focus on Fred and George, who were engaged in far more interesting pursuits while Mary and Georgia fixed the time-turner. They had the following conversation:

"She seems very unconcerned that we're sitting in a prehistoric jungle surrounded by _Velociraptors_ ," said Fred.

"Should we help with the Time-Turner?" George asked.

"I wouldn't have the slightest idea how to fix it," said Fred.

Meanwhile - or rather, many millions of years later - Draco Malfoy was irritated that he could not compete in the Triwizard Tournament because he was too young. So he wrote a whiny owl to his father Luscious, co-founder of Luscious Locks Hair Tonic (the other co-founder of this company was the equally shiny-maned Gilderoy Lockhart). The hair tonic is the reason Lucius Malfoy was so rich. This is also what the foreshadowing was about.

Elsewhere, Detective Diana Pennyfarthing was working on a missing persons case. The missing person was the plot of this story. She searched for a while and then she found it.

"We have the power to go anywhere in time now," said Mary, who had fixed the Time-Turner. "Now that we've figured out how to use it across long distances. Is there anywhere you particularly want to visit? Or any historical figure you've always wanted to meet? I'd love to meet Joan of Arc."

"But you don't speak medieval French," Georgia pointed out. "I was thinking we could stop in the 1970's and fall in love with Sirius Black to stop him from becoming a murderer."

"No, everyone does that," said Mary dismissively.

"Let's go visit our Uncle Bilius," said Fred. "He was a right laugh before he died from seeing the Grim."

They went to the 1970's, and Mary fell in love with Sirius Black at the Hogwarts Masquerade Ball, an event which happened with much irregularity at Hogwarts, or basically whenever people felt like it. It was very romantic because everyone was wearing a mask and at first Mary had no way to tell who the handsome stranger was that she was dancing with, despite the fact that behind the mask he looked like Sirius Black, and he was wearing a nametag that said 'Sirius Black'.

Then they (minus Mary) went to some other times in history that were very interesting. It became even more interesting when Fred and George offered Ton-Tongue Toffees to various unsuspecting historical figures, to much amusement.

"Wait!" cried Georgia dramatically. "The story is almost over, but there hasn't even been anything about angsty forbidden love!"

"Sure there has," said Fred. "You must have missed the part with me and Morgan le Fay."

Georgia and George both felt left out, and their mutual misery brought them together. So they fell in love, but it ended badly because their names were too similar. Their love was thus forbidden.

Luscious glided across the room and threw handfuls of Galleons in the air to demonstrate how rich he was. Dumbledore calmly asked the Hogwarts staff members calmly, "WOULD ANYONE LIKE A LEMON DROP?" Diana Pennyfarthing got a promotion. A giant visited Azkaban and played a flute carved out of stone, which had a sad, melancholic timbre that resonated of loneliness. The author took a nap and didn't bother to edit out all of the gibberish that happened in this paragraph.

Then the Earth crashed into the sun because Mary Su had inadvertently stopped the Earth's orbit with her wrong answer in the beginning of this story. It happened so fast that the author didn't even have time to finish the last senten

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 **disclaimer: I do not own Batman or Robin (DC Comics), Han Solo, Chewbacca, or the Millennium Falcon (Lucasfilm/20th Century Fox) or the nursery rhyme 'Mary, Mary Quite Contrary' (traditional). Dumbledore's dialogue was, of course, inspired by everyone's favourite scene in the film** ** _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_** **(WB).**

 **A/N - I deeply apologise for this story :P And to anyone who is new to my writing, I promise the rest of it is marginally better. Oh, and the bird joke is one of my favourite jokes ever :D**


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